Question: I’m not sure that I want a divorce. Things have been bad for a while, but I am still hanging on. Sometimes, I feel like it is over, but then I think of the kids, our house—our life. Is divorce really worth it?

Answer: I don’t sell divorce. I will not convince you that your spouse is worthless, abusive, lacking in everything that you find valuable & good in this world– and I will never try to convince you that you need to leave your spouse. If you can’t answer that question yourself, then you probably need to consult with a counselor instead of an attorney.

However, bear in mind that a marriage counselor or family therapist advocates for the relationship …. and therefore the unit of both husband and wife, together. If you want a counselor that advocates for you and for your best interests as an individual, then I recommend a therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy or referral of a therapist from a family physician. Look on your health insurance plan and find out if mental health coverage is available and find a provider inside your network to start with.

Focus on your family. Determine whether it can be preserved. Above all, consider your choice very carefully — but once you are certain that you are ready to pull the trigger, call me.

www.NatalieGregg.com

Why should you mediate?
1. You get a custom order written by the parties- not by a judge.
2. You can avoid the emotional and financial costs of going to trial.
3. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry in the courtroom.
4. Your settlement can happen on your schedule- not by a trial date that is decided by the courts.
5. You can be creative, avoid direct confrontation and keep your kids out of the conflict.

Why would you go to trial?
1. The other side has poor representation, including representing themselves.
2. You know that your best day in court is better than any settlement with this “winner.”
3. The other side has repeatedly failed to follow court orders and needs the judge to translate the rules.
4. The other side has engaged in family violence, has addiction issues or infidelity that you want the court to have a clear record of (i.e. for use in possible future litigation).
5. The other side’s attorney has repeatedly shown lack of ability to “come to the table” in good faith, fair negotiation.

If you find yourself asking your attorney “are we THERE yet?,” you need to know whether the delay is being caused by your lawyer, the other party, the other lawyer, or just the process. This blog addresses the process of how long it takes to get divorced in Texas, based on the imprecise law of averages depending on whether you have kids, or property or both.

What is the fastest I can get divorced?

The shortest divorce in the history of Texas under the current Family Code would be 61 days long because that is the current mandatory waiting period, or cooling off time one must wait in order to finalize.

How long does it take to get divorced … with kids?

The short answer is … long.

When custody is an issue, inevitably parties must discuss and tweak Parenting Plans, including access, child support, health insurance and conservatorship, assigning parental rights and duties. The good news about cases involved disputed kiddo issues is that we know what we are fighting over from the start. Even though the emotional battle may be difficult, the reasons one may have roadblocks would be psychological issues of the other parent, addiction issues or CPS intervention. Be prepared for 6-9 months average time to finalize.

What about without kids?

If you have no kids and no property, you should have an uncontested divorce. This usually takes 3-6 months.

However, as Judge Callahan recently said, most people “at least own a toothbrush.” Whether you have $2 million or $2 dollars, you still need to divide property.

How long does it take to get divorced if there is a significant estate/property being divided?

The short answer is… the more you have to fight over, the longer it can take.

For significant estates, the length is directly affected by how much your attorneys know when you start, how transparent the financial situation is and how each side reacts. If one party is willing to drag out the fight, it will be dragged out for both.

When you don’t know what is in the pot, you enter into a divorce suit blindfolded. Thus, we have to conduct discovery, investigate what is part of separate property and what is community property. If one party hides assets, we have to sniff out the money.

Discovery is a formal process through which attorneys request documentation for all accounts, debts and tangible assets. This process can be very extended in the murky cases where funds or credit have been commingled, where one or both parties have committed fraud or where either has intentionally wasted community property. In such cases, attorneys have to trace the money and use due diligence to show their clients what they are legally entitled to.

This can take longer because of the discovery issues and the potential need for a tracing expert, a CPA or a complex Inventory to show how the money was spent during the marriage. Be prepared for an average time of 6 months to one year.

How long does it take to get divorced without property?

See above — “What about without kids?” Average time: 3-6 months.

How long does it take to get divorce with property AND with kids?

Get a comfortable seat; this is going to take a while.

The challenge in separating significant estates alongside negotiating child access/support is that we now have two moving parts with several sub-parts. As you can imagine, this is like juggling with fire riding on a bicycle: attorneys can’t speed down the street even if they wanted to do so. This is as much for the safety of their clients as well as their own professional liability.

If you have kids and property, DO NOT feel doomed when you read this. I have seen some graceful couples who are ready to move on handily end a divorce with children and property in 6 months. However, I don’t want to sugar-coat your situation. So, be prepared for an average of 9-18 months to finalize your divorce.

Read more at www.NatalieGregg.com.

There are many gut-wrenching stories that clients recount of telling their kids that it is “over” between mommy and daddy. They usually involve calculated timing by the parents, a scripted statement explaining why it happened and a sketch of what is going to happen to the family in the future. Since I’ve never done it myself, I conceive of it as worse than breaking up with a lover or firing an employee—mainly because the recipient of this pain, this rejection, is a child.

While I am not a mental health expert, I would caution divorcing parents to be very careful with how they talk to their children about the “D” word. You might be sick and tired of your spouse, but you will be co-parents after the divorce. For the sake of your children: work together to share the news of your divorce with your children.

As we adults know, the way that a message is packaged sets the trajectory for how that message is received. So consider the following prior to blurting out, “your Dad is leaving Mom and is going to live with his $#%&-ing girlfriend.”

The following ten items outline a course for telling the kids in the least painful way possible:

BEFORE you break the news…

1. Consult a child or family therapist together with your soon-to-be-ex to process the messaging.

2. Write a script for the conversation with your child(ren).

3. Pick a time and place that is safe and that does not involve friends or relatives. Avoid conflict with important dates or deadlines i.e., child’s birthday or right before a big test.

DURING your discussion …

4. In your discussion, focus on the positives of how the child has two people who love her so much that they both want special time with her.

5. Focus on how things at home are going to stay as similar as possible to pre-separation.

6. Tell the child that it is not their fault - that mommy and daddy are just their best selves in two different houses, and that this will be the best way for them to do the best job loving her.

7. Do not blame. Make it appear as a joint decision.

8. Expect tears. You are not being mean — you are not kicking a puppy. Rather, you are being honest and honesty sometimes hurts- a lot.

AFTER the discussion…

9. Expect more questions after your initial announcement. Answer them honestly but while considering the advice above (especially number 6 and number 7).

10. Avoid creating a sense of abandonment — try staying in the same home (if at all possible) the night or day you tell your child.

Above all, put your child first.

As I wrote in a previous blog, you can love your kids or hate your spouse …. but you cannot do both.

Do you want to pay for your own children to go college, or for your attorney's children?

This is one of the top questions that I receive from prospective family law clients. After reviewing the deadlines and process of their cases, everyone  is concerned about the cost of litigation.  I tell my clients that “you can send my kids to college– or you can send your kids to college.” 

Here are the top 10 things that you can consider in assessing the real cost of a family law case:

1. Are you going to litigate all issues?  In your first interview, we will assess your goals of litigation and determine which battles you want to fight.  There is no dollar amount equivalent for custody or access, but you can buy a new set of dishes or clothes for the children instead of litigating those matters.  Obviously you can’t pay for more time with the kids, so you will need a lawyer to take that issue to the judge if it is in dispute.
2. A low retainer does not necessarily mean low overall cost.  Just because a lawyer asks for a retainer of $1500 does not mean that the entire $1500 will not evaporate in the first billing cycle. It is important to consider their hourly rate and the number of hours they likely will spend on the case.
3. Are you going to pay me $600 to go to Court to argue over and end table worth $650? Consider the value of the things for which you are fighting, and the costs that it takes to litigate those matters. Rather than have my clients humiliate themselves before the judge, I have even offered to take them to Weirs or Pottery Barn to replace their precious end table; they can get a fun shopping spree and likely spend less than they would have spent in litigation.
4. You can only control your side of the equation.  If spouse’s attorney wants to depose everyone you ever met and the janitor in your office building, then you will pay for it. But the end result will be less money for the estate that will be divided, so no one comes out a winner.
5. Who is opposing counsel?  Sometimes when we see a very litigious opposing counsel on the other side, or an attorney known for his borderline-unethical tricks, we know that we will have to be on the defensive.  The cost of your case will probably be higher.
6. There are fees that have nothing to do with the attorneys that you need to factor in: social study fees, DNA tests, drug tests, psychological evaluations and expert fees.  In the tit-for-tat world of family law, you will pay for all of the testing and scrutiny you want to impose on the other side.
7. Are you hiring a board certified attorney? Board certified attorneys cost more.  Obviously, this credential is important for the knowledge and respect of the bar.  However, board certified lawyers charge a rough average of $150-$250 more than non-board certified family attorneys. Over the full course of a case, this could be thousands and thousands of dollars more for a result that may not be much different.
8. How big is the firm?  Bigger firm, higher overhead. If you are impressed by the scenic views of your attorney’s office and the team of paralegals/receptionists who know your name, you had better enjoy them — because you will certainly be paying for them. By contrast, an attorney with a smaller staff and a more modest office is not under the same pressure to increase your bills in order to cover their overhead. The question is, what do you want to pay for … the attorney’s expertise, or their posh office?
9. A flat fee divorce is not a great way to save money.  If your attorney only charges you a low flat fee, then you should expect them to spend minimal effort on your case. Such legal practices focus on high volume of “check-the-box, cookie-cutter” divorces. Consider, for example, that the court’s required filing fees and cost-of-service alone are nearly $500; this makes me suspicious of any attorney who is advertising a an “all-inclusive divorce” for $500 – 600. Do you want an attorney to spend no more time crafting the legal structure of your family’s future than the typical Starbucks barista spends crafting the foam on your latte?
10. Interview more than one attorney before hiring.  Price shopping with attorneys is not prohibited, but be away that the phrase, “you get what you pay for,” is not always true in this business. You need to ensure that you are comfortable with not only the price of an attorney, but with their approach and how well you get along with them. Remember, you are going to spend some of the most stressful periods of your life with this person at your side; pick someone whom you want on your team to guide you through this process, not just the one who appeared to charge you the least.

Related blogs to consider reading:

• You can love your kids or hate your spouse- but you can’t do both
• What to Expect (and what not to) in Family Law
• Top Ten Common Myths in Family Law

At the end of the holiday, if the transition from mom’s to dad’s house is smooth and seamless, you can give your child a gift they never ever knew they needed but will cherish forever: effective co-parenting.

Whether it is Christmas, Hanukkah, or simply winter break from school or daycare, it is important to make it a special time for the children.  Arguments over exchange times or final custody orders can flare up at these times, and you need to remember that these are also the times that matter the most to your kids.

They deserve a wonderful holiday season. Just because you do not live together with your spouse does not mean that you both cannot work together to provide this to them.

Even if you practice different religions from your former spouse, or don’t observe religious holidays at all, you should embrace the secular extravaganza as a chance to remind your children that they are loved.  If this is your first holiday post-order, consider making new traditions: Elf on the Shelf, cookie baking, the Nutcracker, Dickens, fireside chats or even Chinese takeout on Christmas Eve.  If you want to cling to the old traditions that your kiddos hold dear, so be it.  But don’t begrudge your ex for the traditions that they are building with your children.

So when you get the last minute call that dad is running late because of that “darn traffic at Northpark mall,” cut him some slack.  Likewise, if mom is harried and frenzied over her new in-laws coming over and asks if you can pick up little Sammy at 4:00 instead of 6:00 p.m., work with her to create the best holiday possible for your children.

Above all: Don’t be a Grinch!

When you spell love with the tune of a seven-figure contract to film your “intimate” wedding and commercialize your vows, there is barely time to unpack the china and crystal (much less have a normal new marriage). However, it begs the question: do these celebrities have anything to lose by these “quick and dirty” matrimonial missteps in the public square?

Hardly; in fact, their empires profit! Kardashian stock is up even in this market — never mind that the IPO was just 72 days fresh. While Humphries seeks annulment and Kardashian wants a simple divorce, it is unclear who is the pawn: the audience, the soon-to-be ex-spouses … or the institution of marriage.

1. What to Expect in Family Law: To help you understand what to expect from your attorney, we put together this “Timeline for Procedures in Family Law.” To read it, click here.
2. What NOT to Expect: Equally important, you should understand what NOT to expect from your attorney. Please click here to read our “Top Ten Common Myths in Family Law.”

Top Ten Lists for Family Law Clients

1. Top Ten Things to Tell your Lawyer in the First Consultation
2. Top Ten Things to Do Before you File a Family Case
3. The Do’s and Don’ts of Testifying in a Family Case

Reprinting and distribution of these resources is allowed with proper accreditation to the author, Natalie Gregg.

1. I want “full custody” of the children.

In Texas, the magic legal words are “conservatorship” and “access.” Conservatorship is the bundle of rights and duties that accompany being a parent; for example, the right to make educational decisions or the duty to pay child support. In the world of family law, access refers to a period of time when the non-custodian parent has exclusive visitation time with the child(ren) separate from the other parent.

When my clients ask for “full custody,” that is code for conservatorship. If you want to have the kids the majority of the time AND make the most important life decisions for them, you want to be primary managing conservator. There is no legal definition for “full custody.”

2. I bought it in “my name” so it’s mine.

Simply purchasing a car, house, boat or other real property under your name does not mean that you have 100% ownership.

Names are important in matters of financing a home or a vehicle, as they are usually the source of credit for such purchases. However, just because the property title reads: “Jane Smith,” it does not necessarily mean that Jane Smith owns it outright. If Jane was married to Joe when she purchased the item, Joe is potentially entitled to 50% of the ownership of that item. So don’t assume that names = ownership.

3. Because he’s not paying child support, I don’t have to let him see the kids.

Life is not fair. In a “fair” world, when Daddy is not paying child support, he should not get to see the children that he is not supporting. However, we do not live in a vigilante justice world. Only the judge gets to decide what ultimately should happen at visits.

Two wrongs do not a right make: you cannot disregard the Court’s orders for visitation simply because the child support account is two months or even two years delinquent. It does not make sense why a parent who says that they love and care for their children would not want to provide resources for the children, but you must follow the law and provide access even when the other parent is delinquent in child support payments.

4. My friend got (fill in the blank)__________ in her divorce, so I want that too.

Every case is unique, with many facets and variations from the other so that you cannot compare apples and oranges. Results are different based on the judges, the parties, the experts, the children, the money (or lack thereof) and the attorneys. Just because your friend got spousal maintenance and had a factually similar situation does not necessarily mean that you will also be awarded spousal maintenance.

Even if you have the same attorney, you need to understand that theories of recovery and positive/negative facts about the parties play equal roles as legal advocacy in the Courtroom. Given the same factors but two different cases, a result may differ based on even the slightest change. Just be open. Don’t pre-judge and be realistic about your results.

5. We have been “legally separated” in Texas for years.

The concept of “legal separation” is a fabrication. In some countries just by muttering the words “I divorce you” three times, you are divorced. But in Texas, if you don’t have a divorce decree, then you don’t have the golden ticket. Legal separation does not exist.

6. If I don’t like the orders, I’ll just move with the kids back to my hometown in Alaska.

You can’t outrun the orders of a Court. Often in Dallas County orders, we include language that restricts parties to “Dallas and contiguous counties,” (meaning Dallas and the touching counties). The reasoning behind keeping parties from a divorce or Suit Affecting Parent-Child Relationship in the Dallas area is to promote co-parenting. The court acknowledges that it would be unnecessarily difficult to co-parent children in Dallas from Alaska.

Once again, you must respect the Court’s decision. If your order has a residency restriction, you MUST adhere to it. The only way to relocate against this residency restriction is to file a modification with a compelling reason to move with the children such as once-in-a-lifetime education, family or work opportunity.

7. If she cheated on me, I should get everything.

Infidelity is grounds for divorce in Texas. Some may even argue that it will get you a disproportionate share of the marital estate. Nonetheless, cheating does not usually result in a full-on wipeout of the cheater’s portion of the division of the estate.

While the Code of Hammurabi may dictate an “eye for an eye,” we do not live in an era when the Court’s decisions are based purely on moral issues. Unless you are exposing the children to the alleged cheating in highly inappropriate situations – such as sexual activity in front of the children, calling lovers “mommy” or “daddy” or jeopardizing the health, safety or welfare of the children while cheating – infidelity has little bearing on property division.

8. We’ll just call the kids at trial as witnesses and ask them what they think!

Putting children in the middle of litigation is only going to accomplish two things, and one will not be winning. First, you are going to really anger the judge by inserting your child in this mud-slinging contest over custody. Second, you are going to damage your children by asking them to be witnesses against their own parents. While it seems reasonable to ask the children to choose where they want to live, most kids will answer under coercion in exchange for an iPod, a new Mustang or even twenty dollars cash.

There are Affidavits of Choice that children 12 and older can sign to designate the parent with whom they wish to reside primarily, but they are no guarantee. Likewise, there is a Motion to Confer with Children that may be used to accomplish the goal of judges interviewing children and discovering their opinions prior to making orders. Under the Texas Family Code, the judge shall meet with the children if such a motion is made. In reality, some judges may outright refuse to interview the children, or order them to be interviewed by Family Court Services or a psychologist who can then report back to the judge.

9. If the kids don’t want to go to visitation with the other parent, then a) it is proof that he is a bad parent and b) I shouldn’t “make” them go.

Some kids would eat chocolate cake for every meal if given the choice. Does that mean that you should serve your five year-old chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Obviously not. So, take kids’ reactions to visitation with the other parent with a grain of salt. They may simply be echoing your negative comments about the other parent or they may be trying to please you by “siding” with you.

You must make sure that your children attend all court-ordered visits. Some judges can and will throw you in jail as a parent for preventing the other party from exercising access to the children. So, unless you like orange jumpsuits and glowering, disapproving looks from the judge, take charge, be the parent, and make your kids go to visitation. Even if that is not their preference, that is a better outcome than them having to see you go to jail.

10.If you left the house due to domestic violence or other intolerable behavior without the children, that constitutes “abandonment.”

Victims of domestic violence who flee in the night with only the clothes on their back and “leave” their three kids at home have not abandoned their family. Abandonment is a cause of action and a basis for termination that requires: a) failure to support children for six months or more; or, b) living apart for two years or more.

Temporarily fleeing with the intent and follow-through of getting the children to safety is not abandonment. However, please be careful and note the risks of leaving without your children. If you choose to leave your children with an abusive spouse, this act undermines any argument later that the abuser should have supervised access or be denied access altogether. Also, leaving in such a manner means that your children are left in a dangerous living environment and no longer have you to defend them. If you and your children are at risk from an abuser, you should consider calling 9-1-1 to secure immediate physical protection and then seek legal representation to secure a protective order.

Download this entire document as a PDF here. Reprinting and distribution allowed with proper accreditation to author.

by Natalie Gregg

Download this entire document as a PDF here ().

1. File the petition or request for relief- Your attorney goes to the courthouse, pays the filing fee and asks the court for the list of items contained in your petition. The “Race to the Courthouse” only earns the first person the status of Petitioner and person who lagged behind, is named the Respondent. Strategically, the Petitioner gets to go first in hearings and is the one with primary pleadings on file.

   1. For Divorce- 61 days later, if the other side has been properly served, you can finalize if the other party does not respond or enters into an Agreed Final Decree of Divorce.

   2. For Suit Affecting Parent-Child Relationship- The Monday after 20 days have passed since service of opposing party, you can finalize.

2. Serve the petition upon the other party- 20 days to answer; You need a valid address to serve the other party or a Waiver of Citation.

   1. If you have a Waiver, then you can proceed without having to pay a third party to serve the other side. Once the other party has either been served by a constable or process server or signed a Waiver of Service, then they have entered a general appearance in the matter. This ensures due process, that the opposing party has notice and knowledge of what you are asking the court to do.

   2. The Citation will tell you that “if you or your attorney do not file a written answer with the clerk who issued this citation by 10 o’clock a.m. on the Monday next following the expiration of twenty (20) days after you were served this citation and petition, a default judgment may be taken against you.”

3. Temporary Orders- 2-3 weeks after you have filed and have the other party served in either a Divorce or Suit Affecting Parent-Child Relationship or Modification, the Court will set Temporary Orders. The following are the issues addressed at Temporary Orders’ hearings by the judge:

   1. How much you pay/ Child Support- This is a formula pursuant to the guidelines in the Texas Family Code. 1 child = 20% of net monthly resources; 2 children = 25%; 3 children = 30%; 4 children = 35%; 5 children = 40%; Child support caps out at 40% regardless of number of children as long as the obligor (other party responsible for child support) does not have any children outside of this litigation

   2. When you get to see them/ Access- Access is also known in common circles as “visitation”; Standard visitation is first, third and fifth weekends and Thursday evenings from 6:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. and alternating holidays. If the other side has committed family violence, child abuse/neglect, or has an underlying drug/alcohol problem, then supervised access is recommended. Children under the age of three (3) years are given special consideration and “standard” often does not apply.

   3. Parenting/ Conservatorship- Conservatorship refers to duties and rights of the parents/parties are established; One is either Joint Managing Conservator or Sole Managing Conservator; The default is Joint Managing Conservator, which is essential equal rights and duties. However, if there has been family violence, child abuse or neglect, the presumption is that the other party who has not engaged in those behaviors is the Sole Managing Conservator

   4. Temporary Spousal Support- Only in divorce; the Court looks to factors such as the disparity of income of the parities, placement of the children with the requesting parent, and household expenses to determine an amount for a set period of time that is quantified as “spousal support” until the final divorce.

   5. What the Court thinks about you and your children/ Social Study- see below

   6. Drug/Alcohol Testing- The party that asks for the test pays for the test. If there is a question of the other spouse’s addiction to drugs or alcohol, your attorney will request testing at the first hearing. Beware: don’t live in a glass house. You may be asked to test, so tell your attorney the whole truth- even if it is not pretty.

4. Social Study- This is an evaluative process through which information and recommendations regarding possession and access and conservatorship of a child are made to the court, the parties and the parties’ attorneys. A third party neutral meets with the child(ren), the parents/conservators, assesses the relationship between the child at issue and each party seeking possession or access of the child and observes children, obtains collateral source information (neighbors, friends, co-workers), and forms opinions and recommendations regarding what should happen in the future with the child(ren).

   1. Every county is different. In Dallas, Dallas County Family Court Services conducts the social study. On the average, the social study can take anywhere from two (2) to three (3) months to complete.

   2. Some counties do not have an entity that conducts social studies, so your attorney needs to find a private source.

   3. Once the social study is complete, you know what the social worker/counselor’s opinions are, so you can further understand how the court will see your relationship with your child at Trial.

5. Mediation- You can mediate any issue or the entire case.

   1. What it is- Mediation is an alternative to going in front of a judge; You can instead elect at any time after filing to attend mediation- either half-day or full-day, at which you employ a third party neutral who listens to both sides and tries to bring the interests to the table and find a working model that both sides can live with

   2. How much it costs- Between $100 per half-day at Dispute Mediation Services and $1000 per half-day at a premier mediator/attorney’s office

6. Final Trial- Trials happen according to the Court’s calendar. Some jurisdictions in Texas require a pre-trial in order to obtain a trial setting; Further, you may be required to attend mediation before obtaining a final trial setting.

Download this entire document as a PDF here ().

Reprinting and distribution allowed with proper accreditation to author.